There is no need to be embarrassed about asking questions or reaching out for help. It is okay to be concerned about your child and it is your job as a parent to make sure that you are doing everything you can to get them the support they need.  As a parent, you have instincts about your child, and if your instinct tells you that something is wrong and this is not “just a phase” then you should listen to yourself. Sometimes our embarrassment comes from not knowing where to turn.  The mental health system can be confusing for people who are reaching out to get help.

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The first thing you need to do is get some clarity about what is worrying you. One of the best ways to try to pinpoint the specific behaviors or feelings that have you concerned is to think about the ways in which these behaviors are ‘changes’ from the way your child normally acts. Are things different just at home or also at school? How about with friends? Siblings? Listing examples of the behaviors that fuel your concerns is a concrete and objective place to start.

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Support and help is available through the Buffalo Public Schools. Please contact your child’s School Social Worker, School Counselor at their home school.  You may also contact the Student Support Services office at 816-3106 for additional support.

Your child will grieve in his or her own unique way. How they grieve will depend on many different factors including their age, their stage of cognitive development; cultural influences; their relationship with the deceased and most importantly, how you are grieving.

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Young children up to age 6 are subject to the kind of illogical or magical thinking typical of that developmental stage. They are also egocentric and may think that somehow they caused the death of their loved one. In addition, young children don’t understand that death is irreversible and may be waiting for their loved one to return. Young children need reassurance, comfort and patience on your part as you respond their questions.

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School-aged children understand that death is permanent but still struggle to make sense of what happened. Respond to their questions in truthful, direct language and know that they are old enough to hear the answer if they’ve asked the question. Children of this age may lack the ability to verbalize their feelings and may behave in ways that cause additional problems. Children may have trouble tolerating strong emotions that are triggered by reminders of the deceased and will need to learn ways to cope with those feelings and thoughts.

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Adolescents are also egocentric and struggle with guilt and regret when a loved one dies. They may attempt to cope with their grief in ways that can be impulsive or even unhealthy. In addition to keeping the lines of communication open with their teens, parents and caregivers can promote supportive relationships.

Going back to school after a death in the family can be an emotional experience for children, as well as parents and caregivers. Although there isn’t a “right” time to go back to school, it is important to promote a return to routine activities and structure.

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Caregivers should consider the child’s level of comfort in being separated from supportive adults, and may want to have children attend half days to help ease the transition.It is important to let school personnel know about the death and share what has been helpful to the child.  Our support staff can help devise a plan to assist in the transition process.

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The impact of a family death on a child’s academic functioning can be unpredictable. Grief reactions can intensify at any time. In some situations, grief can influence a child’s ability to make decisions, and impair memory and concentration, resulting in a decline in school performance. There can also be symptoms similar to ADHD, including disorganization, distractibility, hyperactivity and impulsivity.

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Grieving students are likely to benefit from additional social, emotional and learning supports. Parents and caregivers may want to request that school personnel consider making additional accommodations for their children, such as opportunities for breaks or time with a counselor during the day, reduced workload or assignment extensions, assistance with organization and time management, or tutoring when needed. Families can advocate for their children by sharing the resources they have found helpful with school personnel. 

There are many common challenges kids who are grieving express having at school. Many children might be nervous to return to school because they are worried that others might ask them about their person’s death.

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Some report being distracted and even frustrated because they cannot concentrate on their work. Other children have reported that they are worried they might have a grief trigger and get upset or cry in front of their friends. Some children have also reported being bullied, or picked on by other children; and some simply share that people say things that they intend to be helpful or comforting, but that are actually hurtful.

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Even with all of these potential challenges, though, school remains a safe, structured environment for children and can be helpful as they adapt to life without their person who died. It is helpful to be with friends, get out of the house, and take part in coordinated, fun activities.

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Although returning to school can be challenging, parents/caregivers can be encouraging, schedule time to “check-in” about how school is going, and listen when their children need to express their frustrations.

There’s no single cause for suicide. Suicide most often occurs when stressors and health issues converge to create an experience of hopelessness and despair. Depression is the most common condition associated with suicide, and it is often undiagnosed or untreated. Conditions like depression, anxiety and substance problems, especially when unaddressed, increase risk for suicide. Yet it’s important to note that most people who actively manage their mental health conditions go on to engage in life.

Something to look out for when concerned that a person may be suicidal is a change in behavior or the presence of entirely new behaviors. This is of sharpest concern if the new or changed behavior is related to a painful event, loss, or change. Most people who take their lives exhibit one or more warning signs, either through what they say or what they do.

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Talk:

If a person talks about:

• Killing themselves
• Feeling hopeless
• Having no reason to live
• Being a burden to others
• Feeling trapped
• Unbearable pain

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Behavior:

Behaviors that may signal risk, especially if related to a painful event, loss or change:

• Increased use of drugs or alcohol
• Looking for a way to end their lives, such as searching online for methods
• Withdrawing from activities
• Isolating from family and friends
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Visiting or calling people to say goodbye
• Giving away prized possessions
• Aggression
• Fatigue

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Mood:

People who are considering suicide often display one or more of the following moods:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Loss of interest
• Irritability
• Humiliation or shame
• Agitation or anger
• Relief or sudden improvement

Risk factors are characteristics or conditions that increase the chance that a person may try to take their life.

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Health Factors

- Mental Health Conditions:

• Depression
• Substance use problems
• Bipolar disorder
• Schizoaffective disorder
• Personality traits of aggression, mood changes and poor relationships
• Conduct disorder
• Anxiety disorders

- Serious physical health conditions including pain

- Traumatic brain injury

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Environmental Factors

- Access to lethal means including firearms and drugs

- Prolonged stress, such as harassment, bullying, relationship problems or unemployment

- Stressful life events, like rejection, divorce, financial crisis, other life transitions or loss

- Exposure to another person’s suicide, or to graphic or sensationalized accounts of suicide

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Historical Factors

- Previous suicide attempts

- Family history of suicide

- Childhood abuse, neglect or trauma